“The News Chopped And Screwed!”

Posted: 06/17/2011 in news
His Training Partner Should’ve Really Tapped Out!

” A US cage fighter ripped out the heart of his training partner while he was still alive after becoming convinced he was possessed by the devil. Jarrod Wyatt also cut out his friend’s tongue and ripped off most of his face in a brutal assault that police said looked like a scene from a horror film. They found the 26 year old standing naked over his friend’s body with body parts, including an eyeball, strewn around the blood splattered room. Wyatt told police he had drunk a cup of tea spiked with hallucinogenic mushrooms and became convinced his close friend Taylor Powell was possessed. According to an autopsy Powell,21, bled to death after his heart was ripped out. The coroner said Powell had been alive when the organ was ripped out after his chest had been sliced open with a knife. Wyatt told the police he thrown the heart into a fire along with other organs that he had removed from the body. He told investigators he cooked the body parts because he was fearful Powell was still alive and he “needed to stop the Devil.” Police had been called to the grisly scene after a third friend had witnessed a sudden mood change in Wyatt after they had all ingested wild mushroom tea. Justin Davis told police he returned to the flat in Klamath, California, to find Wyatt naked and covered from head to toe in blood.

What A Crazy Bitch, Where’s CPS?

” If you thought botox mom was bad, now hear this: 50-year-old Brit Sarah Burge, known as the “Human Barbie” for her addiction to plastic surgery (she’s spent over $800,000 on procedures), is passing on her passion for plastic to her seven-year-old daughter Poppy. Burge, a party planner and–per the Daily News–an “erotic novelist,” made headlines last year for teaching Poppy to pole dance. Now Burge is racking up column inches again for giving her daughter a $9,850 voucher for a boob job as a seventh birthday present. According to the Daily Mail, Burge told British mag Closer, “Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she’s 16, when it’s legal.” Poppy reportedly “squealed with delight” upon opening her present, saying “I can’t wait to be like Mummy with big boobs. They’re pretty.” Shocked? Appalled? Throwing up a little bit in your mouth? Don’t worry! Burge has preemptively addressed your concerns. “Some people think it’s controversial and I get angry when strangers say I’m a bad mother because I don’t think there’s any harm in giving her this gift,” Burge told Closer mag. “Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don’t want Snow White and Cinderella any more. They want to be WAGs and famous like Cheryl Cole and Lady Gaga. I’m just supporting her and making her dreams come true. ”

Justice Was Almost Served When This Asshole Almost Died.

” ALAMEDA — Harold Camping, the Doomsday radio preacher who sparked international media attention by predicting the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Alameda home Thursday night. The 89-year-old radio evangelist and president of the Oakland nonprofit Family Radio was taken by ambulance from his house Thursday night, a neighbor said, but his well-known, gravelly voice that led many believers to donate millions of dollars to his cause may never be the same. “He had a stroke, it was on his right side,” said the neighbor, who declined to give her name but said she and her husband helped and comforted Camping’s wife, Shirley, as the drama unfolded Thursday night. Her husband spoke again with Shirley Camping on Friday. “His speech appears to be a little bit slurred but otherwise he’s OK,” the neighbor said. “(Shirley) said he was doing good “… and the only thing that’s affected is his speech.” There was no answer at the door of the Camping home Saturday afternoon and all of the curtains and blinds were drawn. A GMC pickup with a Family Radio bumper sticker and a white Buick sat in the driveway. Charles Menut — the regional manager for Family Stations Inc., Family Radio’s parent company, and the station manager and chief engineer for an affiliated station in West Orange, N.J. — posted a Yahoo group message early Saturday morning reporting Camping’s stroke to Family Radio supporters. “Please just pray for him and do not try to contact anyone at his home or Family Radio,” Menut wrote. “He and Shirley have enough family members to handle the situation. I’m sure we’ll be able to publicly update everyone on Monday.” Menut could not be reached at his home or office Saturday. “We will be praying for Mr. Camping and his family,” one supporter wrote in reply to Menut’s posting. “The Lord has been so merciful to allow Mr. Camping to faithfully teach the scriptures for over 52 years. I’m sure Mr. Camping is thinking right now that he wants God to receive all the glory the for the ministry of Family Radio.” Camping gained notoriety in recent months as the calendar closed in on May 21, the Saturday on which the Doomsday prophet said Judgment Day would occur and true believers would be taken to heaven. That attempted prophecy gained the world’s attention primarily because Camping wanted it that way. Family Radio, an empire of more than 70 radio stations that was estimated to be worth $72 million in 2009, spent more than $100 million over the past seven years publicizing the Rapture. Billboards guaranteeing the end of the world were present throughout the world and some followers drove RVs all over the United States to alert people. But Camping was mocked nationally by talk-show hosts and the subject of protests, both by believers and nonbelievers alike. Some Christians called Camping a false prophet, and the American Atheists paid $27,000 for five weeks of billboard space in San Francisco, denouncing the Rapture, along with hosting a party that May 21 weekend. Camping said he took his wife to a hotel during the weekend of the predicted Rapture and that the phone in his Alameda home rang constantly and strangers knocked on his door. It was, he said, “a very difficult time for me.” When the world did not end, Camping told reporters that the world would instead end Oct. 21 and argued that despite no physical evidence to the contrary, his point of view was correct. “

Tribute To Ben Affleck Or The Town 2?

” Taking a cue from the recent film “The Town,” a pair of robbers dressed in nun costumes held up a Chicago-area bank Sunday afternoon, according to the FBI. The robbery of the TCF Bank in Palos Heights was captured in a series of remarkable surveillance camera images showing the duo brandishing firearms as they forced a female employee to remove money from a vault and place it into a Nike duffel bag. Investigators, who have not disclosed how much money was stolen, said the robbers fled in a silver, four-door Chevrolet. Police described one suspect as a black man, about 5’ 7” tall. His accomplice is believed to be a black woman, about 5’ 5” tall. “

Have You Ever Taken A $36,000 Piss?

” A 21-year-old gentleman from Molalla, Ore., was caught peeing in one of Portland’s major reservoirs (in Mt. Tabor Park, pictured), leading the city to drain the entire thing—all 7.8 million gallons—at a cost of more than $36,000. Of course an uncovered reservoir probably has a lot of gross things in it: Dead rodents, for example, and pee from other animals. And even if the guy had drunk an entire Big Gulp, we’re talking at most about eight ounces of urine, in nearly 8 million gallons of water. Portland Water Bureau administrator David Schaff does not care: “Do you want to drink pee?” he asked The Oregonian. “

Is’nt There Always Child Porn In The Yearbook?

” Big Bear High School in California has recalled all of its students’ yearbooks after it was discovered that photos of child porn were published in the yearbook by mistake. If students don’t return the book, they’ll be in danger of being arrested for possessing kiddie porn. Zoinks! How does this kind of thing even happen? Doesn’t an adult have to authorize proofs before it goes to the printer? And why was there kiddie porn just lying around this high school to fall into the yearbook in the first place? Maybe it was just like a nip slip in the cheerleader group portrait and they’re calling that “child pornography” to help out a poor embarrassed high schooler who will still be known as Madison “Nipple” Bellefleur for the rest of her life (or at least until she graduates). This whole debacle is just crazy. And considering it happened at Big Bear High School, it’s probably some kind of gay thing. “

Fuck Yeah Woolite And Rob Zombie.

” Demon from rock-n-roll hell and grindcore director Rob Zombie has just released his latest project: a commercial for Woolite™ brand laundry detergent. “It’s not like it’s scary,” says Zombie. That’s “cool. “

Finally The Perfect Amount Of Mushrooms!

” Scientists at Johns Hopkins studying psilocybin (the active ingredient in hallucinogenic “magic mushrooms”) say they’ve figured out the dosage “sweet spot”—the “mama bear” dose at which a hypothetically adventurous Goldilocks would say “just right, man.” We’ve known for a while know that shrooms can be effective at treating anxiety and depression. But finding the proper dosage—high enough to produce a “transformative experience” with long-lasting beneficial effects, but low enough to prevent bad trips—is key for the possibility of using mushrooms in a clinical setting. Alas, the study’s press release doesn’t specify what, exactly, that sweet spot is, except to say it was the second-highest dosage taken. But the study did find that 94 percent of participants described their mushroom trips as “one of the top five most spiritually significant experiences of their lifetimes,” and 89 percent told researchers that they’d noticed “lasting, positive changes in their behavior. “

Oh That’s Where They Got All Those Guns?

” The Los Angeles Times has read the congressional report on the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives operation called Fast and Furious during which federal agents sold 1,765 guns to Mexican smugglers (and then drug cartels), and guess what? It was a really bad idea. Two of the weapons from Fast and Furious, which was run as part of Project Gunrunner, were found at the scene of Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry’s murder last year in Arizona. And there’s more: At least 195 of the weapons have been traced to Mexico, found mainly at crime scenes, but ATF agents quoted in the report said more than 1,700 firearms were trafficked “to known criminals or cartel elements south of the border and elsewhere” under the operation. “I cannot see anyone who has one iota of concern for human life being OK with this,” Agent John Dodson told committee interviewers. In one case, Agent Pete Forcelli told the interviewers, an agent was making insistent calls over the radio, saying that gun traffickers had recognized him and begging for permission to stop the suspects. “But he was told to not stop the car with the guns in it,” he said. That doesn’t really sound like the same operation that the ATF is so proud of: Project Gunrunner’s objective is to deny Mexican drug cartels the tools of the trade, which they employ to murder rival drug traffickers, civilians, as well as political, military, and law enforcement figures in order to strengthen their grip on the lucrative drug and firearms routes into and out of the United States. “[T]o deny Mexican drug cartels the tools of the trade” would mean not selling them weapons and letting them get away with it, no? “

What’s With Raping Old Women?

” On June 2, Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez, a 53-year-old registered sex offender, rode his bicycle to the house of a 77-year-old woman who lived nearby in Refugio County, Texas. He broke in, and, wielding a knife, raped the woman. And then: [He] had to stop telling the victim he was not feeling well. The victim tells police the man then continued the assault for a few minutes before he collapsed. “She did say that she smelled liquor on his breath. So, she assumed he passed out from the liquor. She rolled out from under him, got in the car and left,” Wright said. Police, responding to the victim’s call, found Gutierrez dead. The medical examiner is performing an autopsy. “

Give Me All Your Money Or I’ll Give You AIDS!

” Some people rob banks with guns. And other people are a little more creative: Police say an elderly woman robbed a bank last week by handing the clerk a note indicating that “she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if he didn’t cooperate.” The woman, described as “between the ages of 55 and 75 with a ‘boney build'” and clad in “a train conductor’s cap and a gray sweat shirt,” presented the threatening note to the teller of a Wells Fargo branch inside a Safeway on Thursday night. During the robbery, she “coughed frequently into a blue bandana.” We feel duty-bound to note certain problems with the woman’s strategy. For one thing, you cannot infect someone with AIDS directly; you can only infect them with HIV, and then wait, assuming your victim doesn’t have access to antiretroviral therapy, until the disease progresses to AIDS. For another thing, there are only a handful of bodily fluids that can transmit HIV—blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk—which means that, to follow through on her threat, the woman would have had to:
Share a needle with the bank teller
Force the bank teller to accept a blood transfusion, from her
Have unprotected vaginal or anal sex with the bank teller (pitching or catching)
Breast-feed the bank teller
Give birth to the bank teller
Needless to say, the teller could likely have refused the robber’s demands without being at high risk of AIDS infection. ”

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