“The News Chopped And Screwed”

Posted: 05/19/2011 in news
I Wish I Could Legally Watch Porn And Beat Off At Work.

” Ana Catarian Bezerra is a 36-year-old Brazilian woman who suffers from a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality. Ana, an accountant by day, began to have problems at work because the only way to relieve said anxiety is by masturbating. A lot. Now, after winning a court battle and seeking professional medical help, Ana is allowed to masturbate and watch porn — using her work’s computer, no less — legally. Ana wasn’t always like this, she was worse: “I got so bad I would to masturbate up to forty seven-times a day. That’s when I asked for help, I knew it wasn’t normal.” Carlos Howert, Ana’s doctor, prescribes Ana with a “cocktail” (read: an entire medicine cabinet’s worth) of tranquillizers. We’re not sure how that “cocktail” doesn’t knock Ana out (half a Claritin feels like an elephant tranquillizer to us), but thanks to Dr. Howert’s concoction, Ana only has to masturbate around eighteen-times a day. “

Wanna Be The Next Unabomber?


” Last year, a Montana real estate agent was offering “Unabomber” Ted Kaczynski’s “very secluded” 1.4 acre Montana spread for a pretty decent asking price of $69,500. It even came with chopped firewood. And now, the U.S. Marshals Service is putting a trove of Unabomber collectibles up for auction online, starting next week and running through June 2. The lot includes his manifesto, a typewriter, a bow and a lot of arrows, some Tide laundry detergent, hiking boots, aviator sunglasses, assorted tools, some 20,000 pages of documents, and much, much more. In a nice little fuck you to the Unabomber, U.S. Marshal Albert Nájera had this to say in a statement about the auction: “We will use the technology that Kaczynski railed against in his various manifestos to sell artifacts of his life. The proceeds will go to his victims and, in a very small way, offset some of the hardships they have suffered.” So in theory you could buy all of his junk, his cabin and then, well… oh, nevermind. “

Mmm Sounds Good..

” The Russian authorities have announced they have in custody a fellow who ate an acquaintance’s liver. With potatoes. They tracked him down after a trail of dismembered limbs led them on a chase around Moscow. When they eventually arrived at the suspect’s apartment, there he sat, like some crazed cross between Goldilocks and Hannibal Lecter, dining on a meal of “human liver with potatoes,” according to a Reuters report. The rest of the liver was in the fridge. “>

WHY WASN’T THIS IN THE NEWS!!

” Last week, researchers at the University of Alberta in Edmonton cured cancer, but I bet you haven’t heard about it. Despite what might be a solid way to treat a wide variety of cancer with no side effects, the mainstream media hasn’t said a peep about it. Why would that be? Because this cure is non-patentable and therefore pharmaceutical companies can’t make money from it, so they’re acting like it doesn’t exist. The method employs dichloroacetate, which is currently used to treat metabolic disorders. So, there is no concern of side effects or about their long term effects. This drug doesn’t require a patent, so anyone can employ it widely and cheaply compared to the costly cancer drugs produced by major pharmaceutical companies. Canadian scientists tested this dichloroacetate (DCA) on human’s cells; it killed lung, breast and brain cancer cells and left the healthy cells alone. It was tested on Rats inflicted with severe tumors; their cells shrank when they were fed with water supplemented with DCA. The drug is widely available and the technique is easy to use, why the major drug companies are not involved? Or the Media interested in this find? In human bodies there is a natural cancer fighting human cell, the mitochondria, but they need to be triggered to be effective. Scientists used to think that these mitochondria cells were damaged and thus ineffective against cancer. So they used to focus on glycolysis, which is less effective in curing cancer and more wasteful. The drug manufacturers focused on this glycolysis method to fight cancer. This DCA on the other hand doesn’t rely on glycolysis instead on mitochondria; it triggers the mitochondria which in turn fights the cancer cells. The side effect of this is it also reactivates a process called apoptosis. You see, mitochondria contain an all-too-important self-destruct button that can’t be pressed in cancer cells. Without it, tumors grow larger as cells refuse to be extinguished. Fully functioning mitochondria, thanks to DCA, can once again die. With glycolysis turned off, the body produces less lactic acid, so the bad tissue around cancer cells doesn’t break down and seed new tumors. Pharmaceutical companies are not investing in this research because DCA method cannot be patented, without a patent they can’t make money, like they are doing now with their AIDS Patent. Since the pharmaceutical companies won’t develop this, the article says other independent laboratories should start producing this drug and do more research to confirm all the above findings and produce drugs. All the groundwork can be done in collaboration with the Universities, who will be glad to assist in such research and can develop an effective drug for curing cancer. “

Using Your Vagina As A Storage Bin, Genius!

” Meet Tiffany Giummo. Ohio cops yesterday recovered a whopping 47 heroin-filled balloons that had been hidden inside the 20-year-old woman’s “body cavity.” Acting on a tip that Giummo was traveling to Columbus to purchase heroin, a Delaware County Sheriff’s Office deputy pulled over a car in which she was a passenger. During questioning, Giummo admitted that she “did in fact have heroin inside her body and would retrieve it for the Deputy,” according to investigators. The hidden stash resulted in Giummo, pictured in the above mug shot, being jailed on a felony drug possession charge. “

Rabbis Molest People Too?

” The rabbi convicted for a recent in-flight molestation was sentenced this morning to 60 days in prison and immediately placed into custody.
Gavriel Bidany, who faced a maximum of six months, was sentenced by Magistrate Judge Ramon Reyes, who found the grabby rabbi guilty during a bench trial earlier this month in U.S. District Court in Brooklyn. In announcing Bidany’s sentence, Reyes said that the defendant “testified falsely” at trial. Bidany, 47, was convicted of fondling a 23-year-old woman aboard a March 27 Delta Airlines flight from Tel Aviv to New York City. Pictured in the mug shot, Bidany is a married father of 11 and lives with his family in Israel. The victim is an Israeli Army officer who was traveling to New York on a fundraising trip sponsored by Israel Bonds. In a victim’s impact statement read by prosecutor David Sarratt, the woman remarked that she “lost my innocence” due to the fondling. She added that, “A burn leaves a scar which cannot be removed.” Bidany’s sentencing came two days after three of his adult children wrote Reyes claiming that if their father was incarcerated their chances of finding a spouse via the matchmaking process would be hindered. “

Potheads Are Getting Crazy!

” Deyan Deyanov, the Bulgarian man who attacked and beheaded a British woman on Tenerife last week for no apparent reason, had walked into another supermarket a half hour before the attack and asked for a large knife, according to the Telegraph. He was caught on CCTV (above) gesturing how big the knife (sword?) should be. He then told the shopkeeper, “I’m going to kill someone.” Deyanov also “drew a finger across his throat.” While that apparently wasn’t enough to tip anyone off, the paper, citing interviews with locals, reports that Deyanov was certifiably nuts: As recently as February, when he was discharged from a psychiatric hospital, he had told police that “in God’s name” he was “planning something big”. One British expat who gave his name as Mike, said Deyanov had been shouting abuse at passers-by until 4am and had flicked lighted cigarettes at female holidaymakers. “Everyone had started to avoid him,” he said.
Others said he was a habitual user of marijuana and was often seen muttering to himself. In one incident he attacked a security guard who was patrolling the beach area, knocking out three teeth. “

Seems Like A Fucked Up Way To Commit Suicide..

” Remember the South Korean taxi driver who was found crucified — wearing only a crown of thorns and underwear, with a stab wound to his abdomen — in a quarry two weeks ago? Police say he crucified and killed himself without any help. Gruesome details from the AP: Kim is believed to have nailed his feet to the cross, tied his neck to it and stabbed himself in the side. He is then believed to have drilled holes in his hands and slipped them over nails on the cross, Gyeongbuk Provincial Police Agency officers said, describing the death under condition of anonymity because they weren’t authorized to speak to the press. “

What’s With The Beheading?

” Lest you think all the decapitation action is going down overseas, police in Houston discovered a “head and an arm” in a black trash bag in a yard on a street called Coke. Next to the bag was a chainsaw. (Yes, it’s an honest-to-goodness Texas chainsaw massacre. Take a moment to get all your Leatherface ya-yas out.) The head belonged to Marlon Thomas, 35, and it was his best friend of over 20 years, Noe Morin, 32, who has been arrested and charged with his murder. Thomas’ head and an arm were found in a black trash bag behind the home where Morin was staying with a family friend. A chainsaw was next to the bag, which was behind cinderblocks that supported the home. The rest of Thomas’ body, with a partially severed arm, was found in a backyard next door that was full of overgrown weeds and trash. The two men sat together on a stoop “every single day,” according to one neighbor. Morin was known “to have a temper,” and the two men were overheard arguing on Saturday night. At some point, shots rang out. “Gun shots, we hear that every day so we didn’t pay that much attention,” [the neighbor] said. As for something they don’t hear every day, apparently there were no revving chainsaw sounds to raise red flags, either. But rumors of a body had begun to get around, and after several 9-1-1 calls were made, police came over to check things out.
[Local resident Brittney] Johnson said after police arrived, she saw one officer open a bag in a trash can…and then exclaim, “Oh my God, it’s the head.” And to think, he saw it it on Coke Street. “

Im Not Sayin You Need It But If You Were Thinking About It..

” The app is the brainchild of US plastic surgeon Elizabeth A. Kinsley, from New Orleans, who was the first doctor to employ 3D imaging technology to show women what they will look like after surgery. Called iAugment, the app allows iPhone users to take a picture of themselves and virtually boost their cup size. While it’s intended for people considering plastic surgery themselves, we can imagine one or two blokes will be testing to see what their other half might look like with bigger breasts. Makers say users considering plastic surgery should start off by taking a photo of their chest, ideally in a bra or bikini. They then use two on screen cursors to mark out the breasts, before choosing from 17 different sizes of virtual implant, ranging from 210cc to 690cc which are instantly visualised. It’s said the app is designed as a “fun first step” for women who are considering going under the knife. And if women are happy with their results, they can use the app to find their nearest approved plastic surgeon. Dr. Kinsley said: “Breast augmentation can be a complicated procedure with women asking questions like ‘what will they look like?’ or ‘what size is right for me’. “This is designed to give them the best idea possible of how they might look after surgery. “You can show your friends, your boyfriend or your husband and say ‘what do you think?’ ”

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Marquis says:

    Where this lady at?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s