“The News Chopped And Screwed”

Posted: 05/04/2011 in news
Pop Bottles Like A Princess And Get A Free Soviet Military Grade Vehicle, Plus A Designer Vibrator!

” Diamond or L4P Ladies Only. The strange name, as you’d have probably guessed, is due to the vehicle being targeted at women. It gets a slightly shorter wheelbase than the previous model, as well as a high-end camera system to aid parking and two-tone interior. Customers can also choose from a number of trim materials including snake, crocodile or elephant skins, though there doesn’t appear to be any whale penis this time. This by no means makes the Iron.Diamond soft in anyway. It still gets a 999 horsepower powerplant under the hood, as well as a special monocoque body built using techniques used by the former Soviet military for its armored vehicles. Production is limited to just 10 units worldwide and it appears that the first unit has already been sold to Princess Regina Abdurazakova from Kazakhstan. No word on pricing but the vehicle is being offered for free, along with a designer vibrator from the Viktor Poontoos collection, for anyone buying a bottle of RussoBaltique vodka. This particular bottle of Vodka comes in a 20 pound case made of solid gold and lists for around 500,000 euros ($740,000).
If you ever wanted an example of where money really can’t buy taste, trying giving the guys at Dartz a call. “

Proof All PC Gamers Are Virgins.

” Purchased a computer game magazine recently? Sure, print is all moving online. But while the internet is quick, there’s one thing it cannot do: scented panties. The June issue of Japanese bishoujo computer game rag PC Angel neo is bundled with a pair of fragrant underpants. The blue-striped panties are “fresh”, the red-striped panties are “floral” and the yellow-striped panties are “passion”. The packaged panties are part of a promotional effort for 18-years-old-and-up PC game Kamikaze Explorer. If you’ve ever wondered what passion smells like, it’s apparently yellow-striped panties that come with a PC game magazine. “

“Bath Salts” Is A Hell Of A Drug!

” CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor’s pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal, said Lt. Bryan Stover of the Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department. Mark Thompson, 19, of Greenview Road, is charged with animal cruelty after police got a call from a woman who said he stole her goat at about 3:15 a.m. Monday, Stover said. Lisa Powers said she bought the goat on Friday as a gift to her 4-year-old grandson. They named the male goat Bailey after a female character on the Disney Channel television show “The Suite Life on Deck.” “The baby just loved him,” she said. Powers’ nephew, Joshua Pollis, got a call from a neighbor early Monday morning, she said. “They told him that my goat was wandering around in Mark’s house and he’d better come and get it,” she said. “They called my nephew because he’d been there before.” Pollis and two women walked into Thompson’s house looking for the goat, according to the criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court. The three entered the house and made their way to Thompson’s bedroom door when Thompson spoke to them, Powers said. “He told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,'” Powers said. “But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene.” Thompson ran out the front door when Pollis asked him about the dead goat in his room, according to the complaint. Police got a search warrant for the house, and searched the woods for Thompson. They found him several hours later. Thompson allegedly told police he was on bath salts for about three days. When police entered the house they found fresh blood near the front door of the bedroom and in Thompson’s bedroom to the right of the front door. Inside the bedroom police found the small gray and white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to the complaint. There was a pornographic magazine photo laying a few feet from the goat, the complaint states. “

Sir Im Gonna Need You To Stop Rubbing My Vag.

” A passenger who was flying from London to New York is facing a federal criminal charge after he allegedly placed his hand up the skirt of a flight attendant and “grabbed her genital area” and “began to run his fingers back and forth,” according to an FBI agent. The incident, which occurred Thursday on a British Airways flight bound for John F. Kennedy International Airport, resulted in the arrest of Iurii Chumak, 53. In a misdemeanor criminal complaint excerpted here, FBI Agent Thais Canin reported that the flight attendant has just provided coffee to Chumak when she turned away from him to serve other passengers across the aisle in row 42. As she “bent over slighty” to pour coffee, Chumak allegedly groped her. A second flight attendant, Canin added, saw Chumak “grab the first flight attendant’s genital area” and immediately approached the passenger and placed him in restraints. The second attendant told the FBI that a male passenger had previously complained that Chumak–drinking from a bottle of Dewar’s–had “bothered and verbally abused” his wife. When questioned by federal agents after the plane arrived in New York, Chumak said he “was drinking on the airplane, fell asleep, and woke up in restraints.” Chumak appeared Saturday in U.S. District Court for arraignment, and was ordered held on an Immigration and Customs Enforcement detainer. “

Another Thing Skinny Chicks Can’t Do.

Never mind what the studies say. Being fat is totally sexy! It’s also pretty handy — particularly when it comes to stashing your contraband. 5′ 4″, 180-pound Gloria Esther Perez, a 28-year-old Florida native, was taken into custody by police after getting into a fight with another woman. After falling ill, she was brought to a hospital, where the staff discovered “a knife in her vagina.” There’s more. Perez had a second knife “in a roll of fat in her stomach,” investigators reported. Additionally, a “bottle of pills was located in her body fat.” Perez was charged with weapons possession and a dozen narcotics counts, and is currently in jail. She can get you a pack of smokes, but they’ll be a little moist. “

What Did This Guy Do To Deserve This?

An Oklahoma man was apparently attacked by four people, who shocked him “twice in the genitals” with a stun gun and tattooed the word “RAPEST” on his forehead. Sounds like someone read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! According to police, Richard Lynn Dellert, age 31, Zachary Chase Provence, 21, Kimberly Sue Vergara, 25, and Lorena Amanda Hodges, 33, attacked 18-year-old Stetson Johnson at Hodges’ mother’s house in April, beating him with steel-toed boots and shocking him in the genitals while tattooing him. The word “RAPEST”—which we understand to be a misspelling of the word “rapist” and not an odd superlative—wasn’t the only body art Johnson was given by his attackers: They also tattooed “I like little boys” on his chest. After the beating, the four allegedly left their victim for dead. As you can see the video, Johnson has already covered over his new forehead ink with a bar code tattoo (we would have just added a “G”); he also seems to be removing the “I like little boys” from his chest. Johnson, who was friends with Vergara, says he has no idea why he was attacked. “

Darwin Is That You Calling?

” Jeff Russell Hall, an “avowed” white supremacist and Neo-Nazi, was apparently shot to death by his 10-year-old son early Sunday morning at his home in Riverside, Calif. Police say they believe it was an “intentional act.” Hall—who ran for a spot on his local water board last year—was the “southwestern regional director of the National Socialist Movement,” according to The Los Angeles Times. Police were called to his residence around 4 a.m. on Sunday; they found him dying of a gunshot wound. After speaking with his family, they arrested his 10-year-old son on a homicide charge. No motive has been given. Hall lost his bid for the water board, probably because he said things like “I want a white nation. I don’t hide what I am, and I don’t water that down. “

They’re All Heros Doing God’s Work…

” Generally speaking, the only job at which one is allowed to act in a pornographic movie while on the clock is “porn star.” Alas, this lesson was lost on two fine officers with the Los Angeles Department of Transportation, whose brief, on-duty foray into the world of sex movies has aroused the attention of their superiors. The officers involved are being disciplined (off-camera, obviously), thanks to the fine work of NBC 4 LA’s Joel Grover, who, hilariously, spends much of the video above trying to get city officials to watch a porno with him. The film, in case you are wondering, is summarized thus: The video, which is available on a popular adult subscription website, tracks the interactions of a porn actress as she approaches men in a range of work environments. Various men in the film appear to grope her and perform a range of sex acts with her. In one scene, the actress jumps into the arms of an LA traffic officer, who spanks her and then fondles her bare breasts. A second traffic officer takes a few spankings from the woman, then allows her to get into his official city car, where she performs lewd acts on herself. “

And In Hangover News!

” It seems that the sequel to The Hangover features a gag about Ed Helms’ character getting a tattoo like Mike Tyson’s. One thing the Warner Bros. legal team probably didn’t anticipate: A copyright lawsuit from the “visual artist” who drew the original tattoo. The melodiously named S. Victor Whitmill is a tattoo artist in Missouri, and he’s the man behind the distinctive pattern occupying the left side of Tyson’s face. The producers of The Hangover 2 thought it would be funny, apparently, if Helms’ character woke up in Bangkok with the same tattoo. But Whitmill claims to own the design, and is suing Warner Bros. to prevent them from using the design in the film—which comes out next month—and unspecified monetary damages. It sounds odd. But Whitmill actually did copyright the design in 2003, the same year he applied the tattoo to Tyson—he called it “Tribal Tattoo” and claimed it as “artwork on a 3D subject.” And he says Tyson signed a release acknowledging that Whitmill was the “sole creator, author, and owner of all rights, including copyright, in the Original Tattoo, which is original and fixed in a tangible medium of expression.” If this suit holds up, assholes around the world are going to have to start paying some serious tat royalties. “

“Manic Redistribution Of Other People’s Funds? Is That A Real Charge?

” Elmer McGuirt entered a Tampa-area Wachovia branch yesterday afternoon with a threatening note, and walked out with a bag of the bank’s money. Being homeless, McGuirt did not bring his own getaway car; rather, he availed himself of the services of the Tampa public transportation system. After boarding a bus, Mcguirt (no doubt elated by his recent adventure) “began handing out the money to other passengers, while keeping some for himself – stuffed in his pants.” Alas, all good things must come to an end. The bus driver pulled over, the police arrived, and McGuirt was arrested for his manic redistribution of other people’s funds. The money was removed from his pants. Yet…is a bit of magic still in the air? Around Tampa’s dark clouds, it seems, floated the merest hint of a silver lining. Deputies were also able to get some money back from the remaining passengers. “

Stuff Your Sneeks Full Of Meth, Step Your Kick Game Up

” Ever wondered how much meth you can squeeze into your sneakers? Between 800 grams and a kilo per pair, that’s how much, apparently. Ten people from a Malaysian “tour group” were caught at the Auckland Airport in New Zealand yesterday, each with roughly the same amount of meth in their shoes totaling just over $8 million (USD). Customs agents were tipped off because the smugglers carried “itineraries that were in English but (they) couldn’t speak English.” If convicted each person could get life in prison which, if you consider that Malaysia likes to hand out death penalties for drug trafficking, might not be so bad! Perhaps a crystal lining, if you will. Also, did you know that meth production is so hot in Malaysia right now? “

Guaranteed To Get You In That fat Chicks Pants.

” Because the ranks of Scary Sadshaws will never diminish, those that are in love with both cupcakes and stupid cocktails made with flavored vodkas have demanded there should be a cupcake flavored vodka. This shit is seriously nasty. The creatively titled Cupcake Vodka comes in four flavors: Original, While Chiffon, Devil’s Food, and Frosting. Frosting? Frosting? Who wants to drink a shot that tastes like boozy frosting? We’re shocked they missed the opportunity to go for the sad girl with cravings trifecta and have a red velvet cupcake vodka with a picture of a cat on the bottle. Either way, at least everyone can combine those empty calories from cupcakes and booze and just get them all at once. The worst part of the press release is this description. Cupcake Vodka Original is six-times distilled to remove impurities while delivering a mouth-feel reminiscent of an indulgent delicious treat. Know what I’d do if I want the “mouth-feel” of an “indulgent delicious treat?” I’d eat a goddamn cupcake! “

Gonorrhea Now More Dangerous Then Ever!

” According to the CDC, close to a quarter of strains of gonorrhea in America were resistant to penicillin and other commonly used antibiotics in 2009. In 2010, some strains were also resistant to all drugs doctors have to treat the clap. Will a great clap plague kill us all? Here’s the New York Daily News’ summary of the “catastrophic” possibilities: The US-based Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), who issued the 2009 data last month, notes that if left untreated, gonorrhea could spread to the blood or joints, and could even be life-threatening. People with gonorrhea typically show no symptoms, although it can lead to complications, such as infertility and in women, chronic pelvic pain, and in men, a painful testicular condition known as epididymitis. So basically, yes, but slowly and painfully and starting with the testicles. (I hear that’s how dominatrixes do it, too.) Let’s just commit species-wide seppuku and get this shit over with already, okay? ”

  1. Marquis says:

    That gonorrhea shit seems like it sucks…

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